Kikibooba™

Dirty Jokes
and
Off-Color Humor


kikibooba

In a psychological experiment first designed by Wolfgang Köhler, people are asked to choose which of these shapes is named Bouba and which is named Kiki. 95% to 98% of people choose Kiki for the angular shape and Booba for the rounded shape. It is thought that this has implications for language development, in that the naming of objects is not completely arbitrary.

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Kikibooba™ Dirty Jokes and Off-Color Humor

Kathy Griffin
Kathy Griffin





T-Shirts:

"She's a carpenters delight you know
Flat as a board... and easy to nail"

"Give me Rossignol...
or give me Head"

"You dont have to hold my ears...
I know what I'm doing"





DIFFICULT TO SAY

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK

1.) Cinnamon
2.) Indubitably
3.) Innovative
4.) Preliminary
5.) Proliferation

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK

1.) British Constitution
2.) Loquacious Transubstantiate
3.) Passive-aggressive disorder
4.) Specificity

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK

1.) Thanks, but I don't want to have sex
2.) Nope, no more booze for me
3.) Sorry, but you're not really my type
4.) Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight
5.) Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing





Do you know what a guy calls a girl that can suck a golf ball through a garden hose ???

What?

"Darling"





He Had Never Seen Her Naked

A man and a woman were dating. She being of a religious nature had held back the worldly pleasure that he wanted from her so bad. In fact, he had never even seen her naked. One day, as they drove down the freeway, she remarked about his slow driving habits.

"I can't stand it anymore," she told him. "Let's play a game. For every 5 miles per hour over the speed limit you drive, I"ll remove one piece of clothing.

He enthusiastically agreed and sped up the car. He reached the 55 MPH mark, so she took off her blouse. At 60 off came the pants. At 65 it was her bra and at 70 her panties.

Now seeing her naked for the first time and traveling faster than he ever had before, he became very excited and lost control of the car. He veered off the road, went over an embankment and hit a tree. His girlfriend was not hurt but he was trapped. She tried to pull him free but alas he was stuck.

"Go to the road and get help," he said. "I don't have anything to cover myself with!" she replied.

The man felt around, but could only reach one of his shoes. "You'll have to put this between your legs to cover it up," he told her.

So she did as he said and went up to the road for help. Along came a truck driver. Seeing a naked, crying woman along the road, he pulled over to hear her story.

"My boyfriend! My boyfriend!" she sobs, "He's stuck and I can't pull himout!" The truck driver looking down at the shoe between her legs replies: "Ma'am, if he's in that far, I'm afraid he's a goner!"





Go Ethal GO !!!

Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair and loved to charge around the nursing home taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors. Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic, the other residents tolerated her and some of the males actually joined in. One day Ethel was speeding up one corrider when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. STOP! he said in a firm voice. Have you got a license for that thing? Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him. OK he said and away Ethel sped down the hall As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, Weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted, STOP! Have you got proof of insurance? Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a coaster and held it up to him. Harold nodded and said, carry on maam. Ethel neared the final corrider before the front door. Craggy Craig stepped out in front of her, stark naked, holding a very sizable erection in his hand . "Oh god", said Ethel. "Not the breathalyzer again!"





A WOMAN'S VIEW OF MEN

1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
(because they are plugged into a genius)

2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING FOREPLAY?
(they don't have enough time)

3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
(they don't stop to ask directions)

4. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)

5. WHY DON'T WOMEN HAVE MEN'S BRAINS?
(because they don't have penises to put them in)

6. WHAT DO ELECTRIC TRAINS AND BREASTS HAVE IN COMMON?
(they're intended for children, but men usually play with them)

7. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
(because their balls fall over their assholes and they vapor lock) (You're laughing, aren't you?!?!)

8. WHY DO MEN MASTURBATE?
(they must have sex with someone they love from time to time...)

9. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
(so they won't shag women's legs at cocktail parties.)

10. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
(you need a rough draft before you make a good copy)

11. WHY IS A MAN'S PEE YELLOW AND HIS SPERM WHITE?
(so he can tell if he's coming or going)

12. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
(don't know...... it never happened)





QUOTES


1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather-- who died peacefully in his sleep. 
Not screaming like all the passengers in his car." 
--Author Unknown 

2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a 
headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: 
"Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children" 
--Author Unknown 

3) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. 
It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar." 
--Drew Carey 

4) "Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house," 
--Rod Stewart 

5) "The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job, 
but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end 
of the night, drop them off at the wrong house." 
--Jeff Foxworthy 

6) "See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time." 
--Robin Williams 

7) "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, 
she will choose to save the infant's life without even 
considering if there is a man on base." 
--Dave Barry 

8) "What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them?" 
--Marilyn Pittman 

9) "Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat 
it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they 
should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, 
they should have to find you a temp." 
--Bob Ettinger 

10) "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the 
lake and threw her off the boat. 
I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim." 
--Paula Poundstone 

11) "A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. 
I just want to say to the authors of that study: "Duh." 
--Conan O'Brien 

12) "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, 
Oh my God.... I could be eating a slow learner." 
--Lynda Montgomery 

13) "I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 
'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'" 
--Richard Jeni 

14) "If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead." 
--Johnny Carson 

15) "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography." 
--Paul Rodriguez 

16) "My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty, and that's the law." 
--Jerry Seinfeld 

17) "Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire you 
have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest.  What 
is the logic in that? What, do tall people burn slower?" 
--Warren Hutcherson 

18) "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same." 
--Oscar Wilde 

19) "Suppose you were an idiot ... And suppose you were a member of Congress ... But I repeat myself." 
--Mark Twain 

20) "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Afghanistan." 
--A. Whitney Brown 

21) "Ah, yes, divorce..., from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." 
--Robin Williams 

22) "Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the 
only time of the month that I can be myself." --Roseanne 

23) "Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place." 
--Billy Crystal 

24) "You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 
'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'" 
--Dave Barry 

25) Do you know why they call it "PMS"? Because "Mad Cow Disease" was taken. 
--Unknown, presumed deceased 







BLONDE JOKES

AUTO REPAIR
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, "What's the story?" He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor." She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

EXPOSURE
A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and her right breast hanging out. A policeman approaches her and says, "Ma'am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?" She says, "Why, officer?" "Because your breast is hanging out," he says. She looks down and says, "OH MY GOD, I left the baby on the bus again!"

RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?" The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."

KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!" "NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"

IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

FINAL EXAM
The blonde reported for her university final examination that consists of yes/no type questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes and then, in a fit of inspiration, takes out her purse, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin, marking the answer sheet: Yes, for Heads, and No, for Tails. Within half an hour she is all done, whereas the rest of the class is still sweating it out. During the last few minutes she is seen desperately throwing the coin, muttering and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on. "I finished the exam in half an hour, but now I'm rechecking my answers."

FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
There was a blonde woman who was having financial troubles so she decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom. She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote this note: "I have kidnapped your child. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park tomorrow at 7 A.M. Signed, The Blonde." She pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket and told him to go straight home. The next morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000 in a brown bag behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed. Inside the bag was the following note.... "Here is your money. I cannot believe that one blonde would do this to another!"





Lifesavers

A college professor was doing a study testing the senses of first graders using a bowl of lifesavers. He gave all the children the same kind of lifesavers, one at a time, and asked them to identify them by color and flavor. The children began to say:
Red............cherry
Yellow........lemon
Green........lime
Orange......orange
Finally the professor gave them all honey lifesavers. After eating them for a few minutes none of the children could identify the taste.

"Well" he said, "I'll give you a clue. It's what your mother might sometimes call your father."

One little girl looked up in horror, spit hers out and yelled,

"Oh, my God! They're assholes!"





The Attorney

There was an attorney who got home late one evening after a very taxing day trying to get a stay of execution for a client, named Wilbur Wright, who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last minute plea for clemency to the state governor had failed and he was feeling tired and depressed.

As soon as he got through the door his wife started on about, "What time of night do you call this? Where the hell have you been?" and so on. Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a very large whisky and headed off to the bathroom for a long hot soak, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks.

While he was in the bath the phone rang, which the wife answered to be told that her husband's client had been granted his stay of execution after all.

Realizing what a day he must have had, she relented a little and went upstairs to give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door she was greeted by the sight of her husband's rear view as he bent naked over the bath cleaning the tub. "They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said, at which the attorney whirled round and screamed hysterically, "For crying out loud don't you ever stop?"





TOP TEN REASONS WHY TRICK OR TREATING IS BETTER THAN SEX

10.You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.

9. If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and go at it again.

8. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.

7. You don't have to compliment the person who gives you some.

6. It's O.K. when the person you're with fantasizes you're someone else, because you are.

5. Forty years from now you'll still enjoy candy.

4. If you don't like what you get, you can always go next door.

3. It doesn't matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning.

2. Less guilt the morning after.

1. YOU CAN DO THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD.





WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD

A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS,

HONEY, COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY? IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW.

HE LOOK AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY, FIX THE LIGHTS NOW? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE GE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO.

FINE,

THEN THE WIFE ASKS, WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT.

TO WHICH HE REPLIED, FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE WESTINGHOUSE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO

FINE, SHE SAYS THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS TO THE FRONT DOOR? THEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAK.

I'M NOT A DAMN CARPENTER AND I DON'T WANT TO FIX STEPS. HE SAYS, DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE ACE HARDWARE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO. I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU. I'M GOING TO THE BAR!!!!

SO HE GOES TO THE BAR AND DRINKS FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS...................................

HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES TO GO HOME.

AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED.

AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE, HE SEES THE HALL LIGHT IS WORKING.

AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.

HONEY, HE ASKS, HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED? SHE SAID, WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT OUTSIDE AND CRIED.

JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM.

HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE.

HE SAID, SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE?

SHE REPLIED, HELLOOOOO....

DO YOU SEE BETTY CROCKER WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?





BLONDE JOKES

Why do blondes wear big hoop earrings when they go on a date?
So they have some place to put their feet.



A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early. "Hey, girls," says the brunette, "let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know."

So the next day, they all leave right after the boss does. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss! She quietly sneaks out of the house and returns at her normal time.

"That was fun," says the brunette. "We should do it again sometime."

"No way," says the blonde. "I almost got caught."



Why doesn't the blonde want to drink beer on the beach?
Because she doesn't want to get sand in her Busch.



Why do blondes like cars with adjustable steering wheels?
Because they like more head room.



Q: What do you call a hundred blondes stacked up on each other?
A: An air mattress.



What do you get when Dolly Parton does the backstroke?
Islands In The Stream.



How do you know a blonde's having a bad day?
Her tampon's behind her ear and she can't find her pencil.



Did you hear about the blonde that tried to blow up her husband's car?
She burned her lips on the tailpipe!



Q: Why was the blonde disappointed with her trip to England?
A: She found out Big Ben was only a clock.



How does a blonde turn the light on after having sex?
She kicks the car door open.



Once there was a blonde who really needed some money. She saw an ad in the newspaper for a job at an Elmo factory. She went down and applied, but the manager told her that she wouldn't want the job because it was so boring. The blonde begged him and told him she would do anything because she needed the money really bad. After long consideration the manager hired her.

After a few hours the manager looked at the video-monitor showing the factory floor and saw that the conveyer belt was backed up. The manager went downstairs to find out what the problem was. When he arived there the blonde was sewing two marbles into the crotch of every Elmo.

The manager said, ''I said to give each Elmo two test tickles; not two testicles!''



What is a blonde's mating call?
''NEXT!''





MARK YOUR CALENDAR!

We all know that it is a sin for a taliban male to see any woman other than his wife naked, and that he must commit suicide if he does, So this Saturday at 4:00 PM Eastern time all American women are asked to walk out of their house completely naked to help weed out any neighborhood terrorists. Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this anti-terrorist effort.

All men are to position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their house to prove they are not Taliban, and to demonstrate that they think it's okay to see nude women other than their wife and to show support for all American women. And since the Taliban also does not approve of alcohol, a cold six-pack at your side is further proof of your anti-Taliban sentiment.

The American Government appreciates your efforts to root out terrorists and applauds your participation in this anti-terrorist activity. God bless America!

IT IS YOUR PATRIOTIC DUTY TO PASS THIS ON









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